There are numerous forces that govern the world, nay The Universe. These forces are unseen and unforeseen. They keep the checks and the balances. The right and the wrong. The mighty and the weak. Those forces have recently gave themselves a name of solitary. They called themselves, "Emotion". Emotions have taken claim on us as human beings and as individuals. Forcing us to stress out over smalls things, regret sex on a bigger scale, and steady increase the rate of suicide. Too close to home? Well its about to get uncomfortable.

The small things in life. Those things that you do on a daily basis that seems so common, so natural that you don't even realize you are doing it until it is done. Bills, money, jobs, relationships. The small things. Get enough small things and they pile up. Bills become over due, money is spent to carelessly, affecting how you work and act on the job. Thereby destroying any relationship you was trying to create in your personal, all at the same time without you even realizing it. Why am I saying this? Because its the endless cycle that I have dug myself into.
Work has become more of a chore than actual work. I constantly feel I'm talking to brick walls. I would much rather paint beautiful murals on a brick walls rather than talk to them, at least then they would be interesting. It makes it harder and harder for me to get up in the morning. Expectations are set so high, monetary rewards are set at a minimum. As a manager I'm making the same amount when I was an assistant manager in the mall. I just now have more to deal with. All decisions are on me. And all I want to do is go into a corner and cry and tell everyone to go away. Its stressful. I just wish I had someone to confide with, rub my shoulders to ease the stress away. Make me feel, no make me forget the outside life.

I haven't had a real relationship in over five years. Twenty-five percent by choice, twenty-five percent by law, twenty-five percent by time, and twenty-five percent by fate. And I'm not a firm believer of having sex without being in a relationship, granted I've had my fair share of affairs. But I always put too much emotion into them and expect so much back and, like a tax refund, get little in return. Is that what "love" does? Or am I looking for it in the wrong places. So many of my friends are married or married and about to have kids. It makes me laugh. For one, I can't get married in the great U S of A, I mean not that I want to, just in general. Saves me from having to go through divorce and dividing the property. All I have to do is kick his ass out! But that's besides the point! That's not where I was going with this paragraph. But then again, I think I made my point several sentences back and if you are reading this ans wondering why I'm continuing this train of thought, then your guess is as good as mine.

As many of you know, I've been off and on certain medication for the past four and a half years. Each time I would continually say to myself, "Okay this is the last time!". But then something happens that will force me back on to them. I've been good for the last month and a half. Granted it could be because I'm out of them, and don't have time to refill, or it could be the not wanting to be totally dependent on a pill to make your life "easier". What, in life, could drive a person to kill themselves? Its a question that has boggled my mind for years. Could it be the amount of stress? Could it be the lack of a relationship or "sex"? Could it be just to put an end to an internal suffering that is only felt by the person it inhabits? Questions that really have no answers. So could that conclude that suicide is not an answer? At this point in my life, the answer is a resounding NO.

Emotions are derived from numerous activities, events, and other people. The best thing to do, hold on to the ones that make you feel that one emotion that is greater than all the other emotions. That one emotion that has the most strength. Love. Love shall conquer all. If you remember that there are two people in this world that loves you the most. The Man upstairs who we all owe rent to, and yourself. Because if you can't love yourself.... then who can besides God?

Thank you for reading. I feel much better to get this all off my chest. And yes, if you were wondering about it. But, I called one of the three people that I hold dear to my heart and avoided it.

A fisherman goes out to sea. His boat highly equipped with all the luxuries of the world. Having the ability to catch whatever fish he wants in the sea. He casts out a lonely rod and after a few moments he catches the most beautiful fish. He places the fish inside a large tank. He admires it everyday. Watching it swim, breathe, and leap in and out of the top of the tank. Such a spectacle! He began to grow tired of the fish. He wants another. He casts his rod into the sea once more. And moments later he caught an extremely rare exotic fish. None he's ever seen before. He quickly releases the original fish in the tank and replaces it with the other. Its scales gleamed in the sunlight. As it swam, a trail of golden dust seemed to follow. The fisherman amazed at this fish decided this was the fish he would keep. As he sail back to the shore, a terrible typhoon brewed up. It tossed and turned the ship, capsizedding it. The fisherman, under the water, begged for help from his rare fish. The fish looked at him and smile, then swam away. Heartbroken and weak to swim himself to the surface, the fisherman began to sink. Deeper and deeper he sinks. His air slowly seeping out of his body. He closes his eyes, awaiting for death to come and release him. Suddenly he felt something pushing him up. Trying hard to support the fisherman's weight it tries its hardest to push him to the surface. The fisherman, almost lifeless and heavy, keeps his eyes closed. The fisherman suddenly felt a slap in the face by a fin. He opens his eyes and sees his original fish, worried and scared, pushing the fisherman to the surface. The fisherman suddenly renewed began to swim to the surface. Breathing in a deep breath of fresh air, the fisherman noticed the typhoon has past. A rainbow is spread across the heavens. He sees a little raft floating by him and gets on it. He looks at his fish. Without words, they exchanged a heartfelt "thank you". The fish pushed the raft back to the shore. Once on the beach, the fisherman, unable to hold back tears yells "Thank You!". The fish returned "Not everything that glitters is gold. Sometimes the one you threw away is the one that will stick around to save you from the swallowing sea." The fish swam away, never to be seen again.

Have you ever walked down a street that is very familar to you, and all of a sudden it seems foreign to you? The houses are painted a diffrent shade. The cars have changed shape and form. The trees are dark and leafless. Even the asphalt on the street itself has potholes and craters and cracks. The sky a dismal navy covered with a deep grey haze of mist. What has happened to the once beautiful street you lived on? What if the answer is simple and plain? Nothing. Its been this way all along. The veil has been lifted and the once beautiful street revealed its true colors. If this is what it truly is, then there is no beauty to be found anywhere. But this is where reality sets in and you close your eyes. Despair and sorrow fills your mind, body, and soul. A tear rolls down your cheek.

Then a voice says, "Open your eyes!".

You slowly open them and are instantly blinded by the overpowering glare of the sun. You wildly respond. Shading your eyes as everything comes into prospective. The sky a light blue. Birds flying in the traditional "V" formation. The houses painted a welcoming hue. The cars clean and pristine, gleaming and shimmering in the day light. The street, evenly paved, not a stone nor pebble out of place. You ask yourself, "What happened?". The voice responds "The world is as YOU see it. If you see it as depressing and dull, it will be so. But if you are full of hope and happiness, you will see the true beauty in front of you."

At that moment, a rose grew from the asphalt.

-KLW,Jr.

Reflection

The past three weeks has challenged me as a friend, employee, and son. I was forced to reflect on the things of the past for one last time to understand the motives and the meanings behind them all. From that I grew. I didn't think I, as a person, could grow anymore than I could at this present state and time. Old feelings were finally laid to rest. People were finally laid to rest. I believe that now I can go on.

Rejection
For years I have struggled with accepting myself as well as accepting my current state. Gay and single. I think now its more of a privilage to be Gay. I can experience so many things that a heterosexual guy can't, unless they are extremely freaky! But with that "acceptance" comes rejection of the "normal life". Am I really prepared to do this? Is any gay male really prepared to go out into the world? There's no class on how to be a proper gay male! Yes, there are the standard stereotypes, but not everyone fit into that catagory. But if you don't fit into that catagory, does that mean you aren't a "proper gay"? Rejection. Answers that I'm still searching for. Until then, I will continue being who I am, and maybe write a new chapter in the book of homosexuality!

Reaction
I've learned recently that I am my father's son. We both suffer from depression. Majorly. But I guess I am stronger or haven't been through what my father been through. My dad, god bless him, is working on his third marriage. The second ended when he found out that the three kids that he has with her, weren't his at all. The little brother that I've know all his life as my little brother isn't of my blood line at all! I was angry! I've never hated anyone as much as I hate her right now. Wife number three is forcing him to go every which way just to please her. And my dad, being the man he is, goes along with it. Because like me, when you love someone, compromise is always in order. I talked to my dad and pretty much told him how I felt about him and just life in general. His reaction was that of joy and relief. He thought I didn't love him. Yes he was strict growing up, but he is my father. I love and respect him so much! To me, he is what I strive to be! I love you, Dad! He has a facebook now. So that way he can keep up with my ever changing life.

This has been another Van-Go inspired LJ entry. You guys, have a great day!

With the passing of the years, the months, the days, and the hours, I discover that every minute is priceless and should be cherished. I feel myself growing. No not fatter, just mentally, and over the last year physically. I've noticed my body is becoming more adult. My jawline is more defined, chest a little more broader. 2008 was the year of growth. And I think I have achieved that. I learned from my mistakes. I see the person in the mirror. I truly see him. I see he is human. Not the machine he sought out to be, but the man he was groomed into. I look at him, and for the first time in a long time, I smiled. No longer a child, no longer a teenager, no longer lost. He's right there in front of me. I reach my hand out to make sure it was real. But I touch cold hard glass. The man I see before me, is in reality me.

And its time for rebirth.

Kenny died over four years ago. His body has been occupied by different personas since then. Until finally he is what I see.

Levi.

I am Levi. I am the happiest man on earth. I have faith in the Lord above. He has a plan. I've been seeing it unfold since I was a child. Strange. Can a gay male have faith in the very being that others have taught hated him? If God hated me, then I don't want anything more.

Rebirth.

Not in the spiritual sense. But in a mental sense. Learn to cope with things. Starting with one man. Move past it. Move forward.

Stay fabulous.
Stay flirtatious.
Stay forever grateful.

Words to live by this year.

May my words move you and take it to heart. God Bless!

- KLW, Jr. Aka Levi

Cain was jealous of Abel because God favored him more over Cain. His offerings were pleasing unto God. Out of jealousy and rage Cain killed Abel.

Why am I telling this story? I found myself in this situation. My brother is living with me. Feeding off of the family like a leech. He can never seem to keep a steady job for more than 5 or 6 months! Its annoying! My mother helps him out more than she should. Here I am busting my ass almost everyday at work and he sits there on the couch, watching television. Why is it I am always the "Good Son"? When is it my turn to fuck up? Why does she favor him more? Is it because he's the straight one and he's more presentable in public and for the public eye? I'm sorry, mom, if your baby boy isn't like his older brother.

I became Cain. Unknowingly I lost my Abel persona and I became the jealous brother. God brought this to my attention.

He's unable to buy Christmas presents for his two kids. My niece who's 4 and my newphew who's 13. Without a job this would be the second year he hasn't been able to buy presents.

I became Abel.

I gave him 100 dollars.

Are you your brother's keeper? Yes I am.

-KLW Jr.

Its been getting harder for me to sleep at night. I guess my will power as a slave is too strong for the night to control. Oh I long for the nights in which sleep would wash over me like a warm soft down blanket. I want to be obieniant and submissive to you, oh master of the night. But thoughts fill my head, echoing within the halls of my brain, bouncing off the skull and reverbing it back into my mind!

Pills.

That's what making me obey you. Over-The-Counter Sleeping Pills. Only for a while, until I can get a set sleeping schedule. Until my body realizes we, as a functioning unit, can't operate without the nessasary 7 to 9 hours of beauty sleep!

I surcome, I submit, and I am sedated. I subject myself to simple silly sentences, sounding silently somewhere, seeping savages strolling, skipping, smiling, within the space between my head! Thoughts. People. Places. Events. Simple Joys.

Sleep. A simple joy that I have to learn to enjoy once again.

-KLW Jr.

(Told you guys I would write more now that its on my blackberry! Its so much simpler to just type on this thing when ever a thought or stream of words come gushing out of me!)

Warm, quiet, the way I like my mornings. Peaceful, the time in which I can listen to "Zanna, Don't!" on my iPOD. The roaring of the bus' engine as it starts up. The constant adjusting to the movements and turns of the stoping and going. Familar faces of people I see on a daily basis, either as customers or just as strangers passing by. I don't know their names, I could care less and I'm sure they feel the same. Just another face in the crowd. Litter and random misguided and dejected bus tickets decorate the floor. Dirt particules in the walk way, signs of heavy traffic. No one really looks up or at each other. Is it fear of what that person will do? Or is it just people are antisocial? The only communication is between a passenger and the driver requesting to be dropped of in a spot on route that's not a regular stop. The sun pours through the windows, touching my hands and allowing its warmth to mix in with the central heating circulating, filling my nostrils with dry air. Unused seatbealts sprawled about. Why do they have them? Are they there for regulations? Do people even use them? Like a revolving door people come and go. No use trying to build a connection, they will be out of your life in 10-20 minutes. This is why I like to take van-go.

This is calming to me.

-KLW, Jr.

I've been thinking much on my future and how my past got me to where I am right now, the present.

"The past brings on the present that affects the future."
- KLW

How true are those words and how true is it in my life at this present moment in time.

I have been focused my entire life on one goal! "Happiness"?! Yes I said it as a question. What exactly is "happiness"? Its not just a song in "Passions" or "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown!", no its much much more. We go our whole lives looking and waiting and running from "happiness". Its a strong emotion. Its strong enough to even bring on other emotions! Love, Lust, Guilt, Remorse, Anger. All can come from just one simple emotion. My "happiness" has been compromised and I found myself letting go of the things I want most. Too easily at that. I let them go and feel nothing of it, until its too late, until I am forced to see the truth, until I am forced to come to terms with it. I am speaking of several things and events in my life!

1) Not going to a real college.

Senior year I got lazy. I get things slip past me too many times in high school. I found myself making friends and becoming apart of the popular crowd thinking it would get me further. But it got me nothing. Nothing!

2) Relationships.

I let go of some of the best loves of my life as if they were nothing but a pair of soiled underwear. I don't regret losing them, but I regret letting them go so easy.

3) December 13th, 2007

The day that caused my downward spiral into depression and the inability to trust another. The death of a woman, the most perfect woman. And the betrayal of a friend that was close to me like a lover! Truth be told, I wanted to kill myself on December 14th at 8pm. I got home from work and laid in my bed and everything hit me all at once!

My "happiness" was compromised, and I, and only I, am to blame. Why do I blame myself? I allowed it to happen. I allowed myself to lose the ones I loved, I hurt them and they vanished. Where does that leave me? A battered pile of rotting flesh? A depressed, unconnected, hollow shell of a man? No, it leaves me with the strength and the courage and the wisdom to perserver! I have seen the errors of my ways and I am making amends. I know now the only true "happiness" comes from within. You must be happy with yourself if you are to be happy and experience "Happiness" with another being.

So I ask you again, what is "happiness"? I think you know the answer.

Thank you for listening. I hope my words have helped some, as I am trying to give back and make amends to those I've cause harm to in my pursuit for "happiness". Good night.

-KLW, Jr.

So, I now have a Live journal Application for my blackberry. Which means, more random updates, and me actually using this on a daily basis. I guess I'm just lazy to log in on my own computer. Why should I when I have everything in the palm of my hands!?
I've been away from Live Journal for about a year now. Which to me seems strange considering I was an avid user in the beginning. I guess with age comes a time in which your past will have to remain your past. I found myself reading old entries and getting too emotion when I saw how young and blind I was. How naive I was. I had it all at one point, but because of my own single-minded focus, I lost it. I read an entry that had a comment from her on it. I never understood why "he" missed "him" so much until it happened to me. The thing is, it happened on the same day. To both of us.
I miss my old friends. I've noticed that so many people have grown up right before my eyes! Its crazy! Some people should never get older and remain the young children that they once were! Well this is my first entry on my phone, and right now my fingers hurt! :) I'll get use to it. And write more. A lot has happened to me over the years. I think it time for me to actually get it off my chest. Until this, this is just a teaser. Good night LJ Users.

-Kenny

Hello.

Yes I know...

Its been a while...

Sorry.



First and foremost, let me state and go on record that I am probably the happiest person alive right now!

Why you ask?

I have an amazingly wonderful paying job. That has one draw back.... I have to officially stop theatre. At least for about a year or two. Just until I can establish a clientèle with my store. Once that happens then I can do other stuff. I'm now a manager. Its really strange when I think about it. I now am in charge. Its almost unbelievable. I'm waiting for it to be just a dream! I had a visit today from the District (who is cool as hell) and the Regional Managers. I talk to the District Manager at least once a day! This is my first time meeting the Regional! I wasn't scared. I wasn't scared at all. It was my store. MY STORE! They were on my turf and I was in charge, there was nothing they could say or do that would intimidate me. I guess that comes with being a Leo! The visit went great! Better than I expected. He (Regional) stated that I act, sound, and looked the most professional out of all the other managers. He also stated that I know my shit. Well not in those exact words but you get my drift. He asked me how long have I been with the company. I never thought about it that much, but in November it would be 9 years! 9 YEARS!!! My first job has taken me this far! Un-freaking-believable! (That was for you Jenn!) Started out as a stock guy and literally worked my way up the ladder. This may sound corny, but I thank God for it. Guiding me through this path towards something. Eh who knows, I might bump into someone that will make my life just that much better.

Speaking of meeting someone...... I'll leave it at that. I would like to thank Ginette for that one! Seriously loving the late night conversations! Still in the talking phases. Don't want to rush anything or make any rash decisions. I'm 25 years old. Time for me to start acting my age! (If that is even possible)

Well I just wanted to say hello. I'll get off of this soapbox.

If you have any questions on AT&T, T-Mobile, Sprint, or Nextel please come by the Sam's Club in waldorf! I'll be sure to help you out! For those of you that have my cell, just give me a buzz!

:)

TTYL

-Ariel (KLW, Jr.)

Stop Now! Please......

Then again.... I would see this movie!

http://www.playbill.com/news/article/109472.html

Okay Can Someone Tell Me Why This Is So WRONG!


Seriously! I think I am going to cry now!

WTF!!! WTF!!!

Side note. When I added this picture this came up with it! Like I uploaded it via LJ uploader.

" Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Maecenas feugiat consequat diam. Maecenas metus. Vivamus diam purus, cursus a, commodo non, facilisis vitae, nulla. Aenean dictum lacinia tortor. Nunc iaculis, nibh non iaculis aliquam, orci felis euismod neque, sed ornare massa mauris sed velit. Nulla pretium mi et risus. Fusce mi pede, tempor id, cursus ac, ullamcorper nec, enim. Sed tortor. Curabitur molestie. Duis velit augue, condimentum at, ultrices a, luctus ut, orci. Donec pellentesque egestas eros. Integer cursus, augue in cursus faucibus, eros pede bibendum sem, in tempus tellus justo quis ligula. Etiam eget tortor. Vestibulum rutrum, est ut placerat elementum, lectus nisl aliquam velit, tempor aliquam eros nunc nonummy metus. In eros metus, gravida a, gravida sed, lobortis id, turpis. Ut ultrices, ipsum at venenatis fringilla, sem nulla lacinia tellus, eget aliquet turpis mauris non enim. Nam turpis. Suspendisse lacinia. Curabitur ac tortor ut ipsum egestas elementum. Nunc imperdiet gravida mauris. "

I know its complete gibberish but its strange!

Ok I'm done!

EDIT: Thank you Gary! Its Latin!

Somewhat Translated! Um.... Is my computer trying to tell me something?

Lorem itself pain he is amet consectetuer to come up to elit. Maecenas feugiat according to reason diam. Maecenas fear. Vivamus diam spotless , a race a , to make fit not , easy life nulla. Eneus word lacinia tortor. Now a thrower nibh not a thrower some orci lucky euismod worthless , but ornare massa mauris but skirmish. Nulla price mi and laughter. Fusce mi pede , transitory this , a race and ullamcorper and not , in fact. But tortor. Curabitur annoyance. Duis skirmish augue condimentum but , avenging a , lamentation when orci. Up to the time when pellentesque to extreme poverty eros. Whole a race augue upon a race faucibus eros pede bibendum prefix meaning half- , upon time region equity anyone ligula. As yet eget tortor. Vestibulum rutrum , is when to please first principle , bed nisl some skirmish , transitory some eros now ninth fear. Upon eros fear , pregnant a , pregnant but lobortis this , unseemly. When avenging , itself but venenatis fringilla , prefix meaning half- nulla lacinia region eget some unseemly mauris not in fact. For unseemly. To suspend lacinia. Curabitur and tortor when itself to extreme poverty first principle. Now imperdiet pregnant mauris

Anger swells!

I don't know if I want to kick scream, or punch, a wall!!

I have been very reclusive as of late.

Keeping to myself, or at least attempting to.

There's an intense anger inside of me.
For people,
places,
things.

A Noun? ANGER!

Why am I so angry?

Why are the simplest things beginning to annoy me?

Betrayal? Dishonesty? Miscommunication? Deception?

Fuck you!

So much. I don't know what to do with it.

Cutting.

Sounds good.

Revert? No. Move on? Yes. Yes, that's the key!

Continue pushing forward. Don't let it get to you!

But has already consumed me. I was too easy this time.

I allowed it.

Asshole!

That's what you are! An Asshole!

Breathing. Breathing is good. Let out all emotions.

Bottling.....

No no no let it go! Let flow out upon your keys......

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You stopped. You stopped and I don't know why. I miss you and I hate you all the same.

YOU, you sicken me! Eying everything. Touching everything. I would spit on you if I had the courage.

You, I love you, you have done me no harm, but I have wronged you a thousand fold! I deserve punishment, not you.

Am I ugly to you?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Words flowing like daggers, yet tastes so good like milk and honey!

Where is all of this malice coming from? What being has possessed me to become this way?

Vindication? Victory?

All for nothing......

Calming down...

Letting go.

Very sleepy.....


There are things in my life, I keep to myself. If people knew the truth, they would be angry as well.

Sins from the past catches up, while Sins of the future awaits.....


(Edit: The Many sides of Kenneth L. Waters, Jr. Every side is angry at the other.)

I'm not sure how I feel about this... She sung Misty's Song on the Pokemon CD 2B A Master...

Yvette Laboy


Eh, at least she got a grammy award off of it!

:)

Real entry coming Thursday!

http://www.playbill.com/news/article/108417.html

This I gotta see!

I would like to cast the following people in Pokemon Live:

Sean F. as Ash

I just enrolled in,

Dental
Health
and
Vision

Insurance through my job! Seriously! If you get a job, check to see if they offer these plans! If not then its not worth it! Especially if you are going to be living on your own!